I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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