there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
