better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
