I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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