So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
