i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
