Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
