i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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