I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
