Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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