Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
