My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Randomize