Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize