Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Im part way to drunk.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
