yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
