I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
