he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
