Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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