Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
