Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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