Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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