I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
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