TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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