there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
