I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
