Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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