my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
