Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
