the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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