Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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