If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
