Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
sarcasm needs its own font
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
