I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
