I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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