I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
My vagina is officially offended.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
