It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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