I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
