I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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