Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
How naked do you want me to be?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
