Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
