you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
