She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
