Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Randomize
