im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
