It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
