She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
