Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
You're breaking my sexual little heart
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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