Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Randomize