I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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