Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
