i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
