If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
