you traded sex for a burrito?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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