I smell stomach acid.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
