last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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