Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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