Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
