The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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