You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
