perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
