Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize