I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
