youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
