I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
