I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize