I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
