Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize