So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
