I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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