So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
