Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
