when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
