The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
