I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
